Jerry, you need to find god
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
