Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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