The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize