Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
