I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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