New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
