My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My room smells like vodka and shame
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
