So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
