Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Randomize
