I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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