it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
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