I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
