I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
