I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
