Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
