remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
