Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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