you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
