coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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