Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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