dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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