I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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