just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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