I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
