No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
