I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
