Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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