When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
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