Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just googled if crying burns calories
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
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