She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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