well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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