I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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