you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
