he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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