and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
