Your face is a jimmy john
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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