I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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