Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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