I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
He shit in the fireplace
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