dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
