I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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