walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I came so hard my ears popped.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
