i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
