Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I supernannyed him into submission
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
