Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
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