I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
