very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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