I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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