it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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