Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
