I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
