I will die if light touches me.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
