I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize