if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
