I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
