Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
