Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
