someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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