I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize