Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
