I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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