I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You took a bar mat shot.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
