Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
well you can't waste a boner
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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